May felt like an eternity, and honestly, I’m so grateful it’s over.
For a little while, I thought I was finally coming out of the grief fog that’s hung over me since Baby Joshy died. But this past month reminded me that grief doesn’t have a timeline, nor is it linear. I don’t think I’ll ever truly “get over” losing him, but May knocked me down again and again in ways I can’t fully put into words. It was really hard with some incredibly painful moments. Losing a baby is devastating—and the grief that follows is a monster no one can prepare you for.
So much happened this past month, which made the weight of it all feel even heavier. More milestones and more memories we wish he could’ve been here for.
God Winks
Amid the heartache and difficult moments, there were so many tender mercies—what I like to call 'God winks'—little reminders that He’s always near and watching over us.
We just moved to Winston-Salem, NC, where Josh is starting medical school. The home that we moved into was honestly a blessing that landed in our laps—we’re so grateful! It’s the cutest little house and I’ve loved making it a home.
I’ve even been stepping a bit outside my comfort zone design-wise by not shying away from color! I’m aiming for personality while staying true to my love for traditional design. I can’t wait to start sharing it all with you. You can even get a sneak peak of how I’m decorating here! I’ll keep adding to it as we decorate some more.
In the meantime, we’ve been staying with my parents as we move in and slowly unpack (another blessing!). And it’s been so nice. When we’re at my parents, I fully embrace my inner chef. I love cooking for them! My mom buys the groceries, I cook, and they do the dishes—it's one of my favorite things.
Family favorites so far include homemade tomato soup with sourdough grilled cheese and BBQ salmon with bone broth rice. So good!
Another small but meaningful highlight: I’ve been getting ready nearly every day and working out consistently again—and wow, it feels amazing. There’s something about challenging yourself physically that spills into every part of your life. It’s empowering and fun. And getting ready each day? Just that little act of putting on an outfit I love makes me feel more confident and brighter as I go about my day. I spent months in pajamas and finally hit the point where I needed a change. Because even if I’m sad, I can at least be wearing something cute!
My grandparents drove all our things from Utah to North Carolina—the best graduation gift ever and such a tender mercy. I’m pretty proud that Josh and I managed to unpack a 20-foot trailer in just a couple of hours. Getting our king-size mattress upstairs took 45 minutes, and by the end, Josh was literally in a puddle of sweat. Haha!
We discovered an incredible bakery in Waxhaw, NC—Virtuoso Breadworks—and stocked up on some delicious sourdough goodies. It’s inspired me to finally try making my own! I’ve wanted to learn for over two years now so this may be the summer I finally do it. We also went strawberry picking with my mom. Nothing beats a fresh-picked strawberry. Yum!
Then came Mother’s Day.
It was honestly one of the hardest days of my life. Don’t be fooled by the picture—this was taken before the worst of it hit. I’m still recovering and not sure I’ll ever feel like celebrating it again. The best part of that day was getting a card from Josh and Baby Joshy. It was so tender and special—something I’ll treasure forever.
I also turned 22 this month. After how hard Mother’s Day was, I didn’t want to celebrate at all. Although it was bittersweet, it turned out to be such a good day.
Josh made me my favorite yogurt bowl for breakfast. I got a workout in, went shopping with Josh and my mom, had dinner at an amazing restaurant in Charlotte, opened presents, and finished the day with a chocolate mousse crunch cake. I know Baby Joshy was celebrating with us too.
A few days later, I had my first OB appointment with my new doctor. I went in with an open mind, ready to switch if needed—but I’m happy to say I’ll be staying with my doctor. He was kind, compassionate, and genuinely took time to listen. I’m beyond grateful for the incredible doctors I’ve had on this journey and am excited to start working with this new doctor!
We ran some bloodwork and were preparing to start progesterone to induce a period, followed by Letrozole to help with ovulation when—to my surprise—started my period naturally!!!
My first natural period in 2.5 years!!! A huge blessing and answer to all our prayers.
I was completely shocked—and so incredibly grateful. My doctor had me start Letrozole on Day 3. I took it for five days and will have bloodwork done on Day 21 to see if I ovulated. We’re hopeful this leads to a baby, but we’re staying patient and open to whatever timeline and treatments this journey brings.
Our Trip to Florida
We spent the last two weeks of May in Florida visiting Josh’s family. While there were lots of beautiful moments, it was also deeply emotional. It was our first time back since we buried Baby Joshy there in January. Just being in the same town brought a flood of feelings. On top of other personal things, it took everything in me to go—but I’m glad we did.
I had such a sweet day in Seaside with my mother and sister-in-law—walking, shopping, and eating yummy food. It was one of the most fun days I’ve had in a long time. That day was followed, unfortunately, by a really rough one and a few that followed. Grief is just like that waves of emotions and feelings you can’t always predict.
Josh and I also spent a special afternoon in Seaside. We used to go there when we first started dating, so being back brought back so many memories. We ate good food and just enjoyed wandering around town together.
I got sick toward the end of our trip and am still getting over it, but it’s been nice to slow down and take care of myself a little more.
We ended the month with some visits to Baby Joshy’s grave. We watched a beautiful sunset with him—a true gift from Heaven—and talked and prayed with him.
We stopped by his grave one last time before flying home. On the way, a song I had been praying to hear came on the radio. It was a direct answer to our prayers, a tender mercy we’ll never forget. The peace we felt at his resting place is indescribable. I miss going every day and just sitting with him, but I know he’s always with us, no matter where we are.
I try not to wish time away, but I’m really glad May is over. I’m looking forward to June and everything it holds. We have lots of fun things planned, and I can’t wait to bring you along for our last full month of summer before med school starts and a whole new chapter begins.